"Courtesy an RPS trailer wall: ... The definition of will is the ability to not desire to need. ... The only need is to desire."
- Anonymous

"My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music."

- Vladimir Nabokov

"Fear is the mind-killer."

- Muad'Dib

"Try not to be a person of wealth, but rather a person of value."

- Albert Einstein

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."

- M. Curie

"Knowledge is nothing, without knowing how to use it..."

- anonymous

"Those who would sarifice Liberty for Security deserve neither."

- Ben Franklin

"Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire."

- Ambrose Bierce

"If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then ... No use making a damn fool of yourself."

- Barnum Bailey?

"please-thank you" in Russian: "paghoolsta" [gh as in G in garaGe]

2/27/91, during Persian Gulf blitzkrieg

A humvee gets stuck in the mud. An Iraqi tank and personnel carrier approach it. The tank pulls the humvee out of the mud and the Iraqi crews surrender to the humvee's personnel.

"A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance."

- Anatole France

"Children are never to tender to be whipped. Like tough beef- steaks, the more you beat them, the more tender they become."

- Edgar Allen Poe

"Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up."

-Wilson Mizner

"We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence ... on pain of liquidation."

-George Bernard Shaw

"If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an effort to deserve the name."

- A. A. Milne

"Nothing is more foolish than to talk of frivolous things seriously, but nothing is wittier than to make frivolities serve serious ends."

- Erasmus

"Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious."

- H. L. Mencken

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

- H. L. Mencken

"A worshiper is the father of the gods."

- H. L. Mencken

"Beware the man whose God is in the skies."

- Bernard Shaw

"You must believe in God in spite of what the clergy say."

- Benjamin Jowett

"God is the Celebrity-Author of the World's Best-Seller. We have made God into the biggest celebrity of all, to contain our own emptiness."

- Daniel Boorstin

"The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around."

- Herb Caen

"Every day people are straying away from the Church and going back to God."

- Lenny Bruce

An elderly York woman had complained of spirits coming from her TV. An officer suggested covering the screen with aluminum foil, and sometime later found the entire room, walls and all, covered in foil.

"George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth - he could not even lie."

- Mark Twain

"Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done."

- Ernie Kovacs

"Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination."

- Christopher Isherwood

"I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude."

- Benjamin Disraeli

"Necessity is a mother."

- Dave Stolley

"It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances."

- Oscar Wilde

"If I've done anything I'm sorry for, I'm willing to be forgiven."

- Edward N. Westcott

"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep."

- Fran Lebowitz

"You can't polish a turd."

- Stephen King

"Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead sounds."

- Ambrose Bierce

"A fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or is getting ready to skin you."

- Kin Hubbard

"Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight."

- Phyllis Diller

"The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators."

- Thomas Babington Macaulay

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

- Sacha Guitry

"Why does it seem like the people who need love the most deserve it the least?"

- newspaper

"LOVE: A word properly applied to our delight in particular kinds of food; sometimes metaphorically spoken of the favorite objects of all our appetites."

- Henry Fielding

"In meat we lead, others follow."

- Adam's Market in Belen, NM

"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled."

- Harlan Ellison

"The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you."

- Woody Allen

"Love is something you have to make ... it's all work, work."

- Joyce Cary

"First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time."

- Honore de Balzac

"Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well."

- Charles Bukowski

"Love is the irrestible desire to be irresistably desired."

- Robert Frost

"American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers."

- W. Somerset Maugham

"Many books today suggest that the mass of women lead lives of noisy desperation."

- Peter S. Prescott

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."

- George Bernard Shaw

"When women kiss, it always reminds me of prizefighters shaking hands."

- H. L. Mencken

"God created man and, finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly."

- Paul Valery

"Millions long for eternity who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."

- Susan Ertz

"The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever."

- Anatole France

"It takes a wonderful brain and exquisite senses to produce few stupid ideas."

- Santayana

"There is not enough religion in the world to destroy the world's religions."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence."

- Bertrand Russell

"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurance of the improbable."

- H. L. Mencken

"When I think of the number of disagreeable people that I know who have gone to a better world, I am sure hell won't be so bad after all."

- Mark Twain

"When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

- Mark Twain

"What people call insincerity is simply a method by which we can multiply our personalities."

- Oscar Wilde

"There are times when one would like to end the whole human race, and end the farce."

- Mark Twain

"All [or no] things come to those who wait."

- anonymous

"Fortune favors the bold."

- Juvenal

"When in doubt, grab power."

- Kasper Weinberger?

"Favorite color: I hate colors."

- Ian Shoales

"Music is like air ... it's just there."

- Jack Roush

"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything."

- ?

"Everything in Los Angeles is too large, too loud and usually banal in concept.... The plastic asshole of the world."

- William Faulkner

"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."

- Lily Tomlin

"Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike."

- Oscar Wilde

"Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think."

- Alexander Pope

"I know a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams."

- Ernest Coquelin

"Joyous distrust is a sign of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attactiveness of others."

- Oscar Wilde

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

- Honore de Balzac

"We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them."

- Evelyn Waugh

"Most people enjoy the inferiority of their friends."

- William Feather

"I like a friend better for having faults that one can talk about."

- William Hazlitt

"Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed."

- Betrand Russell

"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo."

- George Bernand Shaw

"I only drink to make other people seem more interesting."

- George Jean Nathan

"The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion to its absurdity."

- Marcel Proust

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

- Mark Twain

"Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your house."

- David Frost

"Actions lie louder than words."

- Carolyn Wells

"American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or so easily divorced."

- Elinor Glyn

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Action: the last resource of those who know not how to dream."

- Oscar Wilde

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."

- Brendan Gill

"Consistancy requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."

- Bernard Berenson

"As it is more blessed to receive, so it must be more blessed to receive than to give back."

- Robert Frost

"The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is."

- George Bernard Shaw

"It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it."

- Thomas Babington Macaulay

"If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?"

- Mark Twain

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."

- Kierkegaard

"My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence."

- Edith Sitwell

"Virtue is its own punishment."

- Aneurin Bevan

"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense."

- Gertrude Stein

"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name."

- Henry Kissinger

Helmut Kohl once declared that the need for speed shown on the Autobahnen is driven by unsatisfied needs for sex.

"To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease."

- Nancy Mitford

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."

- Groucho Marx

"The love of money is at the root of all virtue."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Men should not try to overstrain their goodness more than any other facility."

- Samuel Butler

"When everybody is somebody, then no one's anybody."

- W. S. Gilbert

"There are few sorrows in which a good income is of no avail."

- Logan Pearsall Smith

"A dollar saved is a quarter earned."

- John Ciardi

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

- Mark Twain

"God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world."

- Ed McMahon

"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."

- Groucho Marx

"Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision."

- Oscar Levant

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."

- Robert Frost

"I am not sincere, even when I say I am not."

- Jules Renard

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

- Oscar Levant

"He marries best who puts it off until it is too late."

- H. L. Mencken

"In our country, we have three undeniably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and prudence to never practice either."

- Mark Twain

"tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of."

- Robert Benchley

"A child of my own! Oh, no, no, no! Let my flesh perish with me, and let me not transmit to anyone the boredom and the ignominiousness of life."

- Gustave Flaubert

"One's need for loneliness is not satisfied if one sits at a table alone. There must be empty chairs as well."

- Karl Kraus

"One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before."

- Kin Hubbard

"An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't."

- Sacha Guitry

"Carlyle said, "A lie cannot live"; it shows he did not know how to tell them."

- Mark Twain

"Logic is like the sword: those who appeal to it shall perish by it."

- Samuel Butler

A new deck of cards was announced in Rodney King's name: one ace and fifty one clubs.

- not newspaper

"Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has traveled is the worst."

- Kin Hubbard

"No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have - and I think he is a dirty little beast."

- W. S. Gilbert

"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf."

- Lewis Mumford

"It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old."

- Mark Twain

"In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer."

- Mark Twain

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."

- Mark Twain

"If we weren't all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting we couldn't endure it."

- Schopenhauer

"In America, you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people."

- Groucho Marx

"Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy."

- George Bernard Shaw

"The world makes up for all its follies and injustices by being damnably sentimental."

- Thomas H. Huxley

"I fell asleep reading a dull book and dreamed I kept on reading, so I awoke from sheer boredom."

- Heinrich Heine

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons."

- Emerson

"There ought to be a room in every house to swear in."

- Mark Twain

"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad."

- Aldous Huxley

"I think, therefore Descartes exists."

- Saul Steinberg

"Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals."

Finley Peter Dunne

"There are three intolerable things in life - cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women."

- Orson Wells

"There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function."

- Georges Clemenceau

"Never lie when the truth is more profitable."

- Stanislaw J. Lec

"Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm."

- John F. Kennedy

"Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone."

- John Ciardi

"The French are useless. They can't organize a piss-up in a brewery."

- Elton John

"We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be detested in France."

- Duke of Wellington

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if the goods are worthless."

- Sinclair Lewis

"The only completely consistent people are the dead."

- Aldous Huxley

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

- Steven Wright

"In rivers and bad governments, the lightest things swim at the top."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Never judge a book by its movie."

- J. W. Eagan

"There is no satisfaction is hanging a man who does not object to it."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity possible between two human beings."

- Vicki Baum

"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."

- Wilson Mizner

"Nothing is so aggravating as calmness."

- Oscar Wilde

"Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts; football is a beastly game played by beasts."

- Henry Blaha

"Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms."

- Alan Coren

"The reason that lovers never weary each other is because they are always talking about themselves."

- La Rochefoucauld

"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe."

- Goethe

"Vox populi, vox humbug."

- William Tecumseh Sherman

"I don't drink; I don't like it - it makes me feel good."

- Oscar Levant

"Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected."

- Jimmy Cannon

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."

- Robert Frost

"Everybody is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."

- Mark Twain

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."

- Gustave Flaubert

"Anytime you see a turtle atop a fence post, you know it had some help."

- Alex Haley

"You don't need to be hammered to have fun. ... Just do it."

- Nike ad

"He doesn't really have a personality yet. His brain isn't fully developed. If he had a set of golf clubs, he could be a vice president."

- Murphy Brown on her baby, 9/28  (Dan Qauyle was V.P.)

"Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone."

- Oscar Wilde

"To fail to plan is to plan to fail."

- ?

"I hear ... and I forget.

I see ... and I remember.

I do ... and I understand."

-Chinese saying

"Technology is a tool to move the ideal into the real."

- me

Is unhappiness something to be afraid of?

"Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome."

- T. S. Eliot

"Two people kissing always look like fish."

- Andy Warhol

"It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up."

- W. Somerset Maugham

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Such is the human race: often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat."

- Mark Twain

"Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life."

- Dorothy Parker

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."

- Fred Allen

"California, the department store state."

- Raymond Chandler

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

- Jules Renard

"We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A VERY reformed rabbi. A Nazi."

- Woody Allen

"I hate women because they always know where things are."

- James Thurber

"Decency ... must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep."

- Quentin Crisp

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."

- Winston Churchill

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

- Lewis Grizzard

"A family is but too often a commonwealth of malignants."

- Alexander Pope

"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."

- H. L. Mencken

"I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces."

- Mark Twain

"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say."

- Cyril Connolly

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."

- George Bernard Shaw

"We often forgive those who bore us, but we cannot forgive those whom we bore."

- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

"The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it."

- Alexander Woollcott

"A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be led by the nose."

- Mark Twain

"The trouble with Oakland is that when you get there, there isn't any there there."

- Gertrude Stein or Herb Caen

"I love mankind; it's people I can't stand."

- Charles Schulz

"He who despises himself esteems himself as a self-despiser."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian."

- Mark Twain

"Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match."

- Karl Kraus

"The aim of the liar is simply to charm, to delight, to give pleasure. He is the very basis of civilized society."

- Oscar Wilde

"Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness."

- Don Marquis

"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath."

- Oscar Levant

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem."

- John Galsworthy

"I do not like work even when someone else does it."

- Mark Twain

"It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you."

- Mark Twain

"Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of."

- Mark Twain

"I think I think; therefore, I think I am."

- Ambrose Bierce

"Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."

- Ambrose Bierce

"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."

- Thomas Szasz

"It's a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do."

- Walter Winchell

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

- Paul Valery

"Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both."

- Oscar Wilde

"Winter is not a season, it's an occupation."

- Sinclair Lewis

"Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions."

- Robert Ardrey

"Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange."

- Fred Allen

"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're ON something."

- Fran Lebowitz

"History is bunk."

- Henry Ford

"Which is it: is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's blunders?"

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."

- Oscar Wilde

"Every man is thoroughly happy twice in his life: just after he has met his first love; and just after he has left his last one."

- H. L. Mencken

"A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

- George Bernard Shaw

"May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies."

- Voltaire

"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."

- Neil Armstrong

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."

- Eric Hoffer

"In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from."

- Peter Ustinov

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